miles run: 7.5
miles this month: 41.16 (gay :( but theres still tomorrow)
stress level: 42.16
im seriously considering packing up, moving out and starting over. i don't even know if i have another year in me. i've pretty much had it and god help the next person who oversteps their bounds. REALLY?
I've been putting off writing my New Year's Resolutions for quite some time now, but I think its really about that time.
I'm not really big believer in *New Year's* resolutions per se- mostly because mine have crashed and burned with a fatality rate pushing 90%- but I am a big fan of change. Honestly. I could pack up and leave in a minute. Which is getting more and more tempting. Anyways, these are changes I would like to make in my life and I hope at least 3 of them will stick throughout my life, rather than just a few months.
1) see my grandparents more
i saw them maybe about twice in 2009, possibly 3 times, and thats really not very good. our family was never really "close" to the rest of the family. not because of any drama or scandals (unfortunately), mostly due to distance and laziness in communication. we're lucky to at least live close to my dad's parents (about 30 mins) so we have them at least. my mom's parents, as well our aunt, uncle and cousins, live up in vermont. i saw them once in the last 5 years. the rest of the family is really scattered everywhere, from california, to nevada, to the poconos to west virginia and so on. family reunions happen a lot but we don't go. that all being said, i don't want to lose all ties with my family, and it really does feel that they are slipping away. hence, this is my first and foremost priority.
2) do something for myself
between work and, well... getting to work, i haven't made a lot of time to do things for myself. i have capoeira (when class isn't cancelled) and frankly, if i didn't, i would probably lose my mind. i get to run when the weather isn't terrifically offensive, but other than that, i don't really leave myself with time to do things that i really want to. when it comes to the work schedule, i always make it around other people's plans (note: i don't see this as a fault, really, because i think its important everyone gets to have a life outside of work). i have scheduled myself with particular days off in the hope of getting to a little shindig going on the day, but whenever someone asks me to switch for whatever reason, most of the time, I give in. I don't mean to sound like I'm complaining, I'm not, its just that I have ALWAYS put my plans on hold for others. Even before I took over the schedule. I worked on my birthday half of the years I have been there because other people wanted off. Outside of work I put off going back to school because it wasn't logistically or financially possibly "for both of us to go". Again, I'm not blaming or resenting anyone for this but myself. I can't keep doing it. Every year I am a little tenser- and a little older. I don't want to turn around when I'm 35 and found I have done NOTHING I wanted to try. So this year, I'm aiming to try at least one new thing that I have always been curious about. This also goes for making personal time to see old friends. I'm sick of being a hermit.
3) be financially saavy
all going as planned, i will be debt free (or very, very close) by the fall. At that point, I want to start building up a beautiful, luxorious savings account that can accomodate my plans for a very awesome vacation in 2011 without leaving me strapped.
4) run the marathon
5) lose 15 pounds
this is more of a hope. if it doesn't happen, i won't hate myself. but its pretty manageable and i think i'll get there just fine.
so, thats it. some of what i'm wanting to accomplish this year. there's a couple others, but i'll go into more detail about them another time, thats a whole other discussion.
until then, i'm off to bed. g'night kids
- Music:As Tall As Lions- "Ghost of York"
miles run: 2.5
martinis had: 3
today i saw diamonds fall from a rusty faucet.
things will be alright
- Music:Assemblage 23- "30 Kft"
Miles Run: 2.0
Stairs Climbed: 2850 (no, it was not hardcore lol)
So i wasn't going to run today because the weather was kinda crappy and i just could not motivate myself to go. but i busted out the stair stepper while i read up on my nutrition booklet for class and had at that for a bit. when i went in my room to change though, i caught sight of what looked to be like very awesome abs on MY body (!!)and decided i should nurture these babies as long as possible (its a fleeting phenomenon haha) and laced up. i went to the park to run a quick 2 miles and ended up running the last 3 quarters of a mile (no stopping from the "warmup" 1.25 miles) in 3 mins and 30 secs, give or take 5 secs. nevermind the fact i was fairly certain i was about to either puke or pass out at the end, that would certainly make it seem a little less glamorous. or maybe more actually.
its funny what you can do with the littlest motivation!
now off to class to continue work on the queda de face. heh heh
- Music:The Dead Weather- "So Far From Your Weapon"
Miles Run: 4.0
I both hate and love the cold weather for running. (I was going to change it to "both love and hate" b/c I think that sounds a little better, but I realized that the word "hate" coming first was probably psychologically significant and left it. You will not be spared!)
I hate it because it makes an already somewhat unpleasant endeavor harder. You're already pushing to run a little faster or a little longer each time- if you're training right- and the cold air is like stuffing your lungs with socks before you go about your little adventure. As the air gets colder, your body has to work harder to bring it up to your body temp as it goes into your lungs. I forget the exact numbers, but its something along the lines of for every 10 degrees the temp drops below 40, your lungs have to work 20% harder. Something like that. I tried to find it in the runners world archives to be more precise, but didn't have any luck. Anyway, a couple weeks ago, 6 and 7 miles were not a problem. About 50 ft into my 4 miler today, I was sucking air. I loved every bit of the downhills. So much so that about 10 seconds after I hit flat ground or a small hill I had to convince myself to keep going with a "remember that one time we got to run downhill? that was soo awesome"
I love it though because I know that my body will adapt to it. It takes a few weeks and it sucks immensly, but its one of those things you just have to do every year. I'm doing the bulk of my marathon training during the chilly months, so hopefully, come May 2, my lungs will be practically bionic. They'll take the oxygen they're given, rip it to shreds, and leave the atmosphere crying. Mwahahaha!
And since I have lost my running gloves (my black ones with the subtle glittery stripes and no fingers :*( ) i have had to make due with my arm warmers, which are lovely, but can't hold a candle. I searched for new ones, but to no avail. *sigh* Honestly, it has me starting the runs a little disheartened and cranky. God help him if Jack Frost does catch up to me. I would use my adorably now-purple-and-gray striped hands to punch him right in the middle of the face.
- Music:White Rabbits- "Percussion Gun"
Miles Run: 6.0
After a lovely little hiatus from any physical activity (aside from Olympic remote lifting) courtesy of my sinus infection, I finally felt good enough to get outside today. I ran a good 6 miles straight through, averaging about a 9 minute mile. I use the term averaging to its fullest extent. I started off pretty slow cause it was slightly chilly and I didn't want to trash my ankles so early on, picked up from miles 3-5.5 and finished the last half a mile at a nice cool down pace. It was nice to not be sucking wind at the end, which I've been pretty adament about having myself do lately. Slowing down reminds us that patience is something that can't be forgotten on long distance runs, and it is a lack of patience that will sabotage us more often than a lack of stamina.
Tomorrow I pick back up with the APK workouts. Assuming I am out the door early enough (which I will set every alarm known to man to do) I will warm up with my 6 miles, do the 2 sets of lunges, pushups, crunches, squats, etc that I am missing so much and cool down with an easy 2 miles. The conditioning is coming along nicely and even though I still can't eek out a pullup yet I can at least feel myself get closer every time.
The NJ marathon is in May and I need to start putting together some outline of a training plan. Typically, they are about 3 months long, but I think I will stretch mine to 5 and slowly build my mileage up. At the end of 2 months I would like to comfortably run 15 miles with it being no big thing. This starts my training in early December. The cold weather makes it harder, especially on the lungs, but imagine how much of a relief it will be to do the even in 60 some odd degree weather. I think that is the thought that will keep me motivated during the hardest runs.
- Music:Cage the Elephant- "Back-Stabbin' Betty"
Less than 4 months until I move. Holy shit. I am not going to be ready.
I moved back in to my parents to get all of my static debts paid off that I had no way of doing while I was previously out. Since moving out, I paid off my car, a credit card (just over $1000), various backed up bills and a decent chunk of some other things, but I still have a ways to go yet. The car accident at the end of August did not help things at all. That was another $2300 that just disappeared. I *just* finished paying my parents back for the money they lent me for that little endeavor. And then my tire blew out and I had to replace ALL of them because apparently they are no good. Thats another $200. And since I was focused on paying back for my car, I owe them 2 months of back rent on top of Novembers now.
Before I move out I have one more credit card to pay off, I owe my sister a bit and one last place to pay off as well. AND I have to get a security deposit and first months rent together. And I have no furniture to put into said apt. Holy shit holy shit holy shit.
Somebody please tell me its all going to work out ok?
- Music:Apparat- "You Don't Know Me"
# of miles run today: 3.25
how long it took: 26 minutes (give or take some seconds. timing is courtesy of adding the songs up i listened to on my ipod)
# of white horses seen in a row today: 5... so its a good day (has anyone else read "The Curious Incident of the Dog in the Nighttime"? Please, someone get this reference.)
# of inches of hair no longer on my head: 9
As a person, I have changed a lot in the last few years. I have also not changed at all. With every new experience- good and bad- I have undergone some sort of revelation that has altered my perception on the world around me and the people in it. I feel that I have grown up a lot. Some of it is due to my job. It was my first full time job where I was actually wholly responsible for something and something was expected of me. Some of it is due to my mother. As I get older, the fragility of life is exposed a little more. Some of it is due to living away from my family for a period of time. Self-sufficiency becomes important. Seeing how life is looking after yourself for the first time is eye-opening, and moving back home is humbling. The routines are the same, but you see them in a slightly different light because you bring your new life experiences with you. When you are asked to turn the light off when you leave the room, you do it. Because now you know what an electric bill looks like. If you're asked to mow the lawn, you do it. Because you remember what it was like to be sick and have no one to help you do these things when all you needed was to lie down. Changes like this teach you empathy and understanding. There are only various shades of grey in the world, which makes most debates very difficult. Nothing is black and white anymore and if you're very good you can see both sides of any arguement. This can be a fantastic thing because you become adept at compromise, but decisions one way or the other are taxing.
I've always been good at change, which is ironically how I think I stayed the same. If someone tells me I'm wrong, I don't get angry. I think about why they would say that and how they came to that conclusion. Chances are, they are right at least in some capacity. Others will always see thing from a perspective you can't possibly have, because their life experiences have not taught them to view things in the same way. I believe that if you can hold onto some of your own convictions and still allow and accept criticism, you're on your way to being a better person. This doesn't mean that you will always be wrong and they will be right, I don't think that really exists. But both people can be right and you can take ideas from both parties and apply them to your own life and make it work for you. Simple as that.
I still hold that this is a good idea and will (hopefully) only lead to a rich and fullfilling future, but to be honest, it gets old. Being able to say you FULLY understand the state of anything takes a lot of time and a lot of thought... in a purely philosophical manner. And who can say if there ever comes a time when you really will? And it is this last thought that has been running through my mind a lot over the last few weeks.
How can I ever change enough to see the world differently?
I cut my hair.
Most of my life, my hair has been long, at points it was down to my lower back. And I could always have it down. This was crucial when I felt the need to sort of hide, but had no way of doing so inconpicuously. I was always nervous meeting new people. I'm pretty ackward and my humor is dry (and probably creepy) so I always worry about leaving a bad impression. Having my hair down would create a wall. It could cover part of my face and made it easy to hide my eyes so no one could tell if I didn't understand something or was too tongue tied to add anything witty and useful. I don't really trust my speech (or motor) skills in a crowd.
By cutting it off, I no longer have that to fall back on. Removing a piece of security and familiarity is the best way I can come up with to make myself change in another way. It seems like such a small and insignificant gesture, but anyone who has ever been in the same situation knows that its a hard thing to do. We spend so much time admiring the girls with the short hair and the confidence that we forget we can do it, too.
I might grow it back one day, but that will be after I feel comfortable in my own skin; after I can look at the mirror and not feel desperate for some sort of change; after I am content. Until then, seeing the world has been easier without hair in my face. :)
- Music:Radiohead- "Jigsaw Falling into Place"
Miles run: 6.0
How shoes are fareing: not dirty enough
No. of apples I found in two purses today: 3. Oh my. I'm losing it.
Today I decided to switch up my workout a bit and instead of wishing so much that I could do parkour, actually started. I have got a loooong way to go in the conditioning alone, but Ima do it! :D
I wanted to start off with something familiar, to ease myself into it, so I went to the park tonight and ran around it, totaling to 4 miles. It took a total of 40 minutes, so I average it to 10 minutes miles, though it probably wasn't very very consistent. Parts of the hills get *nasty* but thankfully they're short lol After that, I took it to the remotest part of the park as there were several soccer games or sumthin going on there. There was this setup behing the tennis courts. I don't really know what it was to tell you the truth. It was a metal pipe framework of a "tunnel" (squared corners, not arch shaped) about 20 feet length wise. The opening was maybe 5 ft. Either way, I started at on end and worked my way to the other. I did lunges (all the freakin way, 90 degrees, no cheating haha) to one end and reverse lunges coming back (about 25 to 30 each). Then these push ups that I saw this woman do on the apk website (kirstin, ill send you the link if you wanna see, they are AWESOME.). I did 40 of them the way she does in the video (the next set I did 20 to the outside). Then 25 crunches. That was one set. Then I did another set. It felt fantastic and I didn't even once think of bailing lol That's big.
To finish up I ran another 2 miles at about 8 minute mile pace. And it was good.
I think I need to do these everyday. I need *massive* amounts of work in the plyometric area. I think my whole problem (and this goes back to my frusteration in class even) is that I have good endurance (6 miles does not tire me out haha) but when it comes to power... I have none. I wanted to die after about 10 good lunges. I think I used to better than this, but I don't really know.
Well, tomorrow's another day. I'll do more of em then. Til then, I love this and am so happy to have finally started!
- Music:Jose Gonzales- "Heartbeats"